Cartman’s In Critical Condition!
by KyleRocks1995
Summary: When a new disease strikes South Park with 22 new cases overnight, Cartman didn’t think he’d end up infected with it. How does this all go out at the hospital? Strong language, some classic Cartman racism, and a real life illness.
1. 1

(Warning: This chapter has Cartman saying rather offensive things about Chinese and black people, and some strong language. Heads up, I prefer writing my stories in a script style as if they were real South Park episodes. I could do non-script, but I happen to do script better for some reason. :P Hope you enjoy this story.)

(P.S. I do not mean to offend any sufferers of this disease IRL.)

Today in South Park, Cartman is eating some breakfast before getting showered for school. His breakfast is some scrambled eggs, breakfast sausage, toast, and milk. Liane is reading the newspaper.)

(While Liane is reading the newspaper, Cartman is unhappy with his breakfast. Cartman starts to whine.)

Cartman: Hey bitch, why is this whole wheat toast?

Liane: Because whole wheat toast is much better than white.

Cartman: Whole wheat toast tastes like literal shit! Is eating this gonna make me black like Token? Because it's not white!

Liane: No. Eating whole wheat toast won't turn your skin black. But it's a good source of fiber.

Cartman: And where's my chocolate milk? This is a glass of plain jizz. And my sausage tastes... a little bit off.

Liane: That's because I made turkey sausage. And the doctor recommended you to drink low fat plain milk instead of chocolate milk. I can still make you some chocolate milk breakfast shakes with this low-sugar vitamin and mineral mix (holds up a jar of Malted Chocolate Ovaltine to show Eric) See? Not too much sugar. But really tasty and good for you.

Cartman (blushes and smiles): Okay. I'll have a little Ovaltine.

(However, as Liane sits back down and continues reading her newspaper, she finds something disturbing. Strangely, it wasn't even mentioned on the front page.)

Liane: Oh... 22 patients test positive for COVID-19 in South Park... w-w... what exactly is that? And all these quarantine centers being opened up in this c-c... country. (starts to frown)

Cartman (devours his sausage links and gulps down all his milk) Yeah... What is it, mom?

Liane: Eric, do you know what this thing is? This article is talking about something called COVID-19... what is that?

Cartman (eats a bit of scrambled eggs while talking): Oh, I heard of it earlier in school. It's basically something those slant-eyed chinos got in Wuhan when they were eating bats.

Liane: Cartman, that's racist against Chinese people.

Cartman: Yeah, but Trump said it was well under control, didn't he?

Liane: If it's well under control, then why does our town have 22 new cases of it? These 22 new cases were all added in a single day...

Cartman: I don't know, must be those filthy jews like Kyle...

Liane: This isn't a matter of blaming jews, Eric. The city of South Park just opened up a new quarantine center that was built in just a week and a half, and it has over 12 patients in it and counting...

Cartman: Well, if you say so. I'm getting showered up. See you later, Mom! (heads into the shower) I gotta do that math quiz!

(Liane frowns and sighs, looking at her newspaper. She is worried about her son, fearing that he will catch the virus.)


	2. 2

-(Later, Cartman waits outside for the bus. But for some strange reason, the bus isn't coming on time. Cartman gets frustrated.)

Cartman: Aw shit, the bus ain't here yet. I wonder what's going on? Hmph! (crosses arms and sits down on the snow).

(Still, the bus hasn't yet arrived. Cartman is furious and demands an answer. So he goes inside his house again. This leads to him asking his mom why the bus didn't arrive over 10 minutes ago.)

(Liane Cartman is busy washing dishes. She isn't in the mood to listen to her son whine at this time...)

Cartman: Alright bitch, where'd the school bus go? Down a cliff?

Liane: I don't know, Cartman. But earlier in the news today, I read an article about South Park Elementary closing down. Some kid got ill at the school, and now he's in the hospital with a really contagious disease.

Cartman: So I guess that kid was watching some stupid-

Liane: Don't say racist things about Chinese people, Cartman.

Cartman: Ah, crap! Now I won't be able to take that science test, or see my friends...

Liane: Cartman? You still have friends? You're joking, right?

Cartman: Uh... yeah, I have friends, like Kyle and uh, Stanley and uh, Kenny and Clyde... AND THEY'RE NOT CHINOS OR MEXICANS!

Liane: What if your friends were actually Chinese or Mexican people?

Cartman (waves his hands up, shrugging): Then I wouldn't care! They're mostly all crackers and blacks and Indians anyway. What-eva! I do what I want!

Liane: Wow... racist. What Indians are you talking about?

Cartman: I don't care if they're Asians or those Americans with feathers on their heads, you get it, mom? They're not white!

Liane: Some Native Americans are actually white, like the native Canadians. Skin color doesn't matter.

Cartman: So what, bitch? The school bus should've arrived like, like, 5 minutes ago.

Liane: I'm sorry, Cartman. But I guess that school is closed. Let's come back in the house, sweetie. I'll make some minestrone soup for lunch later.

Cartman: Alright mom. I guess we're all gonna miss out on school anyways. *sighs* (walks back into the house with Liane)

—————————

(Meanwhile, Timmy and his parents are staying home with two daily life assistants from Denver watching over them. Assistant #1 is preparing beef stew for dinner, and is chopping carrots. The other assistant is doing chores off camera. Timmy is scared, and he expresses his fears in his own unique way, as he can't talk much.)

Timmy (frowning and flaps hands in fear): Mommy, Daddy, Timmy Tim-Tim-oh! Ahh!

Assistant #1: I get it, Timmy. I hope this virus stops soon, cause it's really bad. Way worse than the common cold... How about I make you and your parents some caramel custard after dinner?

Timmy (Nods and giggles): Yay! Custard! Timmy!

Stay tuned for the next chapter.


	3. 3

-(Now, Cartman and Liane are making some homemade chicken dumpling soup. It is Liane's job to chop the vegetables, and it will be Cartman's job to pour in and stir the dumplings.)

Liane (chopping carrots, talking to herself): Alright, nice and steady... so I heard this story on the news... about the state of Washington being put on lockdown, and that there could be much more cases than what's being reported in our country...

Cartman (stirring the dumplings with a wooden spoon): Aw man, this is so hard. Glad they made dough mixing machines... my arms are getting tired. Whew!

Liane: It's good exercise, sweetie. Try to work all that fat off your-

Cartman: Mom! MOM! Are you calling me fat?

Liane: Uh, no, Eric... I'm sorry...

Cartman: Okay. So I guess it's all well mixed. How big are the dumplings supposed to be?

Liane: About the size of a coin.

Cartman: Okay mom, sounds good.

———————————

(Now, guess what doesn't sound so good... over at the South Park Hospital, the building is running out of unoccupied beds for COVID19 patients. Some of the patients are from South Park Elementary.)

(Now, Wendy Testaburger is one of the quarantined patients. She is in bed, with IV machines and an oxygen mask hooked up on her to keep her alive. She frequently coughs and spits up phlegm, and she is very sad, afraid she might die.)

Doctor (taking her pulse on her wrist): Is Wendy going to be alright?

Nurse: I don't know. She has to wear an oxygen mask, and something indicates to me that's she's going to need artificial lungs.

Doctor: And how much is a single artificial lung?

Nurse: 2,000 dollars. Her parents have insurance to pay off those bills, right?

————————

(Meanwhile at Stanley's house, Sharon is trying to fit all the dry groceries into the kitchen cabinets, Stanley and Shelly are playing checkers, and Rancy is doing something weird in the bathroom, trying to make a "cure" for the virus.)

Sharon (stuffing a large pouch of dry milk into the cabinet, after taking some crackers out): Oh wow, looks like I have to do some serious cabinet cleaning.

Stan: Oh great, now I'll be stuck home with my older sibling.

Shelly: Whaddya say, Stanley? Imma kick your ass later on!

(Randy emerges from the bathroom, with him wearing smiley underwear. He tested a homemade "coronavirus cure" on his wrist, sniffing it.)

Randy: Alright everybody! I think I got the cure for the coronavirus. It's some armpit hair mixed with cologne perfume. Have a sniff! (holds out his right wrist towards Stanley.)

Stan (sniffs the "cure"): Ugh! That's blue perfume mixed with armpit sweat! Ew, no!

Stay tuned for the next chapter.


End file.
